The phone rang once, twice, three times before a man with a singsong voice answered. “Pete’s Poontang Emporium,” he said. “Pete speaking. How may my lovely ladies serve you?” “Pete, it’s Mr. Carver,” I said, putting the call on speaker…. Read More ›
Business
I Had No Idea That Rand Paul Was Such A Baby
I had just returned to the office after a three-hour, six-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, when I was accosted by my dimwitted VP of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser. He had a wild look in his eye, which always… Read More ›
Another Blow For Freedom Against The Liberal Drive-By Gotcha Lamestream Media
Ah, you’ve arrived — glad you could make it. Help yourself to the brandy and grab a seat; we have important matters to discuss. You see, Beef Products Inc. (BPI) — a company with a quintessentially patriotic name — has launched a brave legal… Read More ›
Once, Twice, Three Times A Loser
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern. Said he wanted my advice on his recent return to… Read More ›
Depression: Mania’s Ugly, Dimwitted, Slovenly Sister
I just got back from a three-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, which in itself is a bit of an oddity. See, when I make a midday trip to that dimly lit slice of heaven, it generally means… Read More ›
I Won’t Lie, It’s Great To Be The One Percent
Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) employs an exact total of 100 people, including me, and once a month I like to treat everyone to lunch. Sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes it’s Mexican, sometimes it’s subs. Today I decided to splurge for steak,… Read More ›
I Think I’ve Been Hacked By The Red Chinese
I suppose I should have been more on my guard what with all the recent reports of cyber-espionage being perpetrated by the Yellow Menace against various American corporations. Nevertheless, I was quite surprised to find evidence of such activity at… Read More ›
St. Valentine Was A Syphilitic Fraud
“Montgomery!” I bellowed after returning home from work this afternoon. “Mont-gom-er-y!” Half a second later, my layabout butler emerged from the kitchen. “‘Allo, guv’nor!” he said, smiling broadly. “And how was it at the office today, wot wot?” “Terrible,” I… Read More ›
S. Truett Cathy Is A Seriously Deranged Individual
I had to go into the city on business yesterday — legitimate venture capitalism business, thank you — and decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club. Not to brag, but I’m a legacy member. In fact, my maternal great-grandfather, Tobias… Read More ›
Oh How The Uptight Have Fallen
I was in a bad part of town today — what’s that? No, I’m not at liberty to explain why. It certainly didn’t involve the purchase of drugs, prescription or otherwise. Frankly, I resent the implication. Lucky for you I’m in a good… Read More ›
I’m Cutting All Of My Workers’ Salaries And Impregnating Their Wives
You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes went up on people making $250k, $400k, $1M,… Read More ›
