“Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›
My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a long blond wig, a matching fake beard, and a… Read More ›
The sweet sounds of AC/DC blasted through my open driver’s side window while I sat at a red light, enjoying a fine cigar that cost more than your average third-world family might make in a decade. Head bobbing in time to… Read More ›
Following a long night at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, I was en route to my palatial estate when a low-paid civil servant with a gun and a badge had the temerity to pull me over. “Good evening, sir,” she said… Read More ›
If anyone asks, I don’t know anything about Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs’ consumer affairs president, Dick Needley, taking a tumble down the stairs earlier today. I wasn’t anywhere in the area. In fact, if you could say that I was… Read More ›
I’m pleased to report that I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a very harrowing weekend at sea. However, my attorneys have asked me to avoid discussing any new criminal charges which may or may not have been filed against… Read More ›
I don’t have much time to chat. Coast Guard officers are currently making a mockery of the Fourth Amendment by scouring my yacht, the Donkey Punch, with a fine-toothed comb, and I’ve barricaded myself in my cabin until my attorneys… Read More ›
Guess who just got a speeding ticket? Here’s a hint — you’re reading his blog right now. The pig “caught” me doing 63 in a 45 zone. On a six-lane, non-residential roadway. What bullshit. Especially considering that the only people… Read More ›
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” This was a dumpy, middle-aged woman, presumably the mother of the young boy I had in a half-Nelson. We were standing in the dairy aisle of my local grocery store. “Giving this… Read More ›
