Coming Clean

Wondering where I’ve been for the past week? Fine, I’ll tell you: I’ve been “drying out.” That’s right, rehab. Why? Well, for my, uh, OxyContin add… add… Look, I don’t have to spell it out for you, do I? Let’s… Read More ›

Toot Toot

No doubt about it — my new yacht is worth every penny. And believe me, I paid plenty of pennies for that beauty. More than most of you will ever have, that’s for sure. I took her out on her maiden voyage… Read More ›

I’m Not A Pervert

I was relaxing on the front porch earlier today, enjoying a pitcher of mimosas and perusing the morning paper when two scantily clad hussies came frolicking up the walk. I got excited, thinking they might be whores. “Hello sir,” one… Read More ›

I’m In Oxy Heaven

Yeah, so I’m out of the hospital. But I’ll be wearing an ass-splint for the next month, plus one of those conical plastic collars given to dogs after surgery. I’m getting a second opinion on the latter, though; Nurse Lola‘s the one… Read More ›

I Broke My Ass

Okay, that was a mistake. Doc Steinbrau’s been on me for months about getting into shape. Says a third heart attack is inevitable if I don’t change my diet and start exercising. Given that the former’s out of the question,… Read More ›