The two bums circled each other slowly in the dusty, litter-strewn parking lot. Neither was in a rush to bring the fight to the other and frankly, I was growing restless. “Come on you worthless blights, let’s get this party… Read More ›
Dating
Farewell To A Legend
Folks, I’m going to keep this short because frankly, I don’t deal well with grief. But as you’ve surely heard by now, America lost a legend today. His name? Herbert Streicher — aka Harry Reems. For the uninitiated, I’m sorry to hear about… Read More ›
Apparently I Was One Of Hank’s Rowdy Friends Who Came Over Last Night
I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a rather harrowing, utterly unproductive weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), and I couldn’t be happier to be home. That said, National Harbor, Maryland did have one last surprise for… Read More ›
Stuck Inside Of Maryland With The CPAC Blues Again
I won’t lie to you — my last-minute sojourn to the majestic watering hole of grand American thought that is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has not gone as planned. First, I discovered that my invitation was never lost… Read More ›
Happy International Women’s Day
The phone rang once, twice, three times before a man with a singsong voice answered. “Pete’s Poontang Emporium,” he said. “Pete speaking. How may my lovely ladies serve you?” “Pete, it’s Mr. Carver,” I said, putting the call on speaker…. Read More ›
Perhaps All These Oxys Will Cure My Birthday Blues
So it has arrived, my 53rd birthday. As reported yesterday, I’m none too thrilled about this latest milestone. 53. And what do I have to show for it? Sure, I’ve amassed great wealth. But between you and me, I’d estimate… Read More ›
I Had An Amazing Time In College
I was going through some boxes of old college memories this morning — go Scarlet Knights — and came across this libido stiffener of a photo. Sure, these fillies weren’t much to look at and I can’t remember their names, but at least… Read More ›
If I Were The Type To Serve Revenge, It Would Be Ice Cold Upon Delivery
The 1970s were a different age, to be sure. A simpler age. A wilder age. A — well, a sexier age. Disco. Skating rinks. Hot pants. Led Zeppelin. And of course, video games. Not the hi-def seizure bombs that keep… Read More ›
St. Valentine Was A Syphilitic Fraud
“Montgomery!” I bellowed after returning home from work this afternoon. “Mont-gom-er-y!” Half a second later, my layabout butler emerged from the kitchen. “‘Allo, guv’nor!” he said, smiling broadly. “And how was it at the office today, wot wot?” “Terrible,” I… Read More ›
That Was A Hell Of A Bender
Here’s the thing: I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week. I could’ve been drinking tea with the reigning Ayatollah of Iran for all I know. The one thing I do know is that not 10 minutes… Read More ›
Big Pimping
It’ll soon be Friday night, and thanks to a visit to Paul Stuart earlier today, I am ready to do this thing proper. Don’t ask me how much this outfit cost, either. As soon as the question was out of your… Read More ›
