I pulled up to the hot dog stand and hopped out of my Escalade, eager to dine on the delicacies offered by the roadside vendor. “Hello there, my good man!” I said, stumbling toward him. “I’m in desperate need of… Read More ›
Gluttony
D Is For Druggist
I’d been waiting around the parking lot of a local McDonald’s for a good fifteen minutes when my black-market prescription-medication procurer Skynyrd Dave finally arrived. He was driving a bright-yellow ‘70s-era Camaro with severe muffler issues, Nazareth’s “Hair of the… Read More ›
You Can’t Spell ‘A To Z April Challenge’ Without ‘Oz’
I was seeing to some correspondence in the study last night when my butler Montgomery arrived with the tray of ribs and pitcher of Old Fashioneds I’d requested. “Ah, perfect timing,” I said. “Place them on the desk here — I… Read More ›
Apparently I Was One Of Hank’s Rowdy Friends Who Came Over Last Night
I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a rather harrowing, utterly unproductive weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), and I couldn’t be happier to be home. That said, National Harbor, Maryland did have one last surprise for… Read More ›
I Won’t Lie, It’s Great To Be The One Percent
Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) employs an exact total of 100 people, including me, and once a month I like to treat everyone to lunch. Sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes it’s Mexican, sometimes it’s subs. Today I decided to splurge for steak,… Read More ›
No I Most Certainly Would Not
“Welcome to McDonald’s! Would you like to try our new Fish McBites? Please proceed with your order.” “What?” I said, staring blankly at the drive-thru intercom. “Could you repeat that?” “Repeat what?” “The middle part there — something about fish?”… Read More ›
Pass The Melted Butter
Oh, hello there. You’ve caught me at the dining table. Moreover, my butler just dropped off my early evening meal, so I can’t talk long. Picture it if you will, though: five 10-pound lobsters, a dozen crab cakes (jumbo lump,… Read More ›
Pie Is Delicious
So delicious, in fact, that I just ate three of them in one go. All Boston Cream, of course. Anything less is for amateurs. Except for fruit-based pies, which are for hippie amateurs. Anyhow, the point of all this is,… Read More ›
I Think My Stomach Lining Just Burst
I have literally never eaten so much in my life. And considering that I’m 350 pounds, that’s really saying something. It started with soup. A gallon of it to be precise. And it wasn’t soup so much as beef stew…. Read More ›
Fire It Up
The grill, that is. I just sent the maid to Piggly Wiggly for a score of their finest New York strip steaks, and I don’t plan on sleeping ’til at least half of them are resting in my belly. Comfortably… Read More ›
I’ve Got The Fear
I think I just swallowed a chicken bone. Like, an entire chicken bone. The whole thing. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’ll kill you. Or maybe that’s dogs I’m thinking about. Meaning, dogs swallowing chicken bones. Not people… Read More ›
