I was seated at the dining table this morning, enjoying a meager repast of rum-drenched French toast, a rasher of bacon, two dozen eggs, and a pitcher of Bloody Marys, when I came across a rather shocking bit of news… Read More ›
GOP
Hot Damn, The 2016 Election Season Is Already Underway
If you’re like me, there’s only one Democrat who instills more blind hatred, disgust, and loathing in you than Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung, and its name is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Wait, strike that. I suppose Obama wins that contest… Read More ›
Take That Stephen Colbert
Let’s face it: I hate a lot of things. The poor and the middle class. Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung. People who major in anything other than business while they’re in college. iPhones. Foreign cars. Foreigners in general. Gluten-free diets…. Read More ›
Always Happy To Help The Tea Party
Good evening, fellow Americans. I’m essentially in recovery mode following the horrific events with which I was afflicted in April, but I wanted to fill you in on a big development. Turns out the stalwart leaders of the Tea Party… Read More ›
This Kincannon Fellow Is My Kind Of Conservative
Hope your day is going well folks, but bear in mind that I’m never sincere about such pleasantries. What I am sincere about, though, is my newfound admiration for a leading conservative light who was off my radar until this… Read More ›
Let’s Hope The Obstructionists In The White House And Senate Don’t Block Progress Again This Time
Hot damn, the upstanding, patriotic members of the U.S. House passed steely eyed wunderkind Paul Ryan’s budget today. Which is great in and of itself, but let’s face it: Unless Comrade Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung and his stooges in the… Read More ›
Why Don’t We Change Our Mascot To A Hippie And Call Ourselves The Dope-Smoking Party While We’re At It?
I was in a meeting with two of my underlings at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) this morning when a news alert flashed on my Blackberry. My eyes exploded with shock, and I yanked the phone off my desk to ensure… Read More ›
John Boehner Is Out Of His Merlot-Addled Mind
“Great Nixon’s Ghost!” I barked, staring at the television in disbelief. “Where did they find this useless moron? My teenage niece could do a better job than him!” “What’s that now, guv’nor?” asked my butler Montgomery, arriving with the platter… Read More ›
Stuck Inside Of Maryland With The CPAC Blues Again
I won’t lie to you — my last-minute sojourn to the majestic watering hole of grand American thought that is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has not gone as planned. First, I discovered that my invitation was never lost… Read More ›
My Invitation To CPAC Must Have Been Lost In The Mail
I was enjoying my traditional king-sized breakfast and perusing the Journal this morning when I came across a feature on the upcoming Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is set to start tomorrow. What really threw me off is that… Read More ›
Paul Ryan’s Latest Budget Is Getting Me All Hot
I decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club with two of my former associates from Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, Charles “Chuck” Luddite XV and Leo Dreisdale. Once our orders were placed and our drinks had arrived, the conversation naturally… Read More ›
