I had just returned to the office after a three-hour, six-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, when I was accosted by my dimwitted VP of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser. He had a wild look in his eye, which always… Read More ›
GOP
I Think Newt Gingrich Has Finally Flipped His Lid
Never mind Gingrich’s recent appeasement tour. No true conservative — by which I mean true American — is listening to his nonsense anyhow, and this bizarre act of verbal self-immolation all but ensures he won’t be mucking up the primary process in… Read More ›
Once, Twice, Three Times A Loser
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern. Said he wanted my advice on his recent return to… Read More ›
Congratulations To John Boehner
Transcript of phone call placed on January 4, 2013 at 3:47 a.m. ET to the Washington residence of overrated House Speaker John Boehner: [Repeated ringing.] John Boehner: Yeah. [Sound of cigarette being lit followed by muffled coughing.] Talk to me…. Read More ›
Boehner? I Hardly Know Her
Those who know me know there are two things I can’t abide: men who can’t get stuff done, and men who prefer to drink wine. Well, that and women who don’t put out, no matter how much you offer to… Read More ›
I’m Cutting All Of My Workers’ Salaries And Impregnating Their Wives
You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes went up on people making $250k, $400k, $1M,… Read More ›
It Takes Money To Make Money
Since when did the phrase fiscal responsibility become synonymous with tightfisted cheapness? I’m referring, of course, to the recent “revelation” that the Republican National Committee is A) serious about winning elections and B) not run by a bunch of Amish… Read More ›
This Pundit For Hire
The very fact that you’re reading this blog is a strong indicator that you’re well-versed in current events. I’m not the type of person who appeals to morons, after all. Nor to whiny liberals, but that’s redundant. And I don’t… Read More ›
A Word From Our Sponsors
The Founding Fathers. Ayn Rand. Senator Joseph McCarthy. Moses. You know what these people had in common? No, it’s not that they were batshit insane. No, it’s not that they were lesbians (though I assume Rand was). And no, to… Read More ›
Happy Valentine’s Day To Me
Hot damn. Looks like my Valentine’s Day dreams are going to come true, thanks to the top-notch management staff down at Pete’s Poontang Emporium. First, a bit of background. Like most red-blooded G.O.P. males, I have an immense, boner-popping crush… Read More ›
There Goes The Neighborhood
Can you believe this? A goddamn middle class family moved in down the street. Middle class! They inherited the house from Yule Umlaut, who made his fortune in steel. Having no heirs, Yule deeded the majority of his estate to… Read More ›
