“You so much as jiggle yer belly and I’m-a squeezing this trigger, fatboy! Y’hear me?” This was said by a wart-and-hair-covered hillbilly who appeared to be brandishing a shotgun. I couldn’t be sure though; I had just awoken and could… Read More ›
Hummers
Now What Am I Supposed To Drive?
Dire news, freedom-lovers: the United Soviet Socialist Republic of General Motors has announced that plans to sell the venerable Hummer line to the Red Chinese have fallen through. Which means that my vehicle brand of choice will cease to exist sometime… Read More ›
No, I Don’t Want To Buy Any Marijuana
Goddamn beatniks. Ever since Obama got elected, they are destroying the very fabric of this proud, bloodthirsty nation. And I, for one, won’t stand for it. Take this morning, for example. Suffering from a hangover that I feared might be… Read More ›
Goddamn I Love A Good Cockfight
Get your minds out of the gutter. For one, what you’re thinking of is a swordfight. For two, I’m talking about the Sport of Kings. No, not that one. The other Sport of Kings. The one that involves two roosters tearing… Read More ›
Willie Nelson, On The Other Hand, Should Be Hung By The Beard ‘Til He’s Dead
Unbelievable. Here I thought Willie Nelson was a fine, upstanding American, just like all country & western singers. Then he has to go and get charged with possession of marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms, revealing himself to be nothing more than a… Read More ›
I Have Explosive Diarrhea
That’s no lie. I even kept a bucket in my office today as a result, and came damn close to using it once or twice. Fortunately, high-paid executives like yours truly always have a private restroom, so I didn’t have… Read More ›
Keep Your Laws Off My Steering Wheel
“Okay, Mr. Carver?” said the highway patrolman. “I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.” “Show you my testicles?” I said, confused. “What are you doing outside, officer? Come in, come in! I’m no dope-sucking… Read More ›
I’ll Wipe My Own Ass, Thank You
“…and I’d like it ‘Super Sized,’ please.” Silence from the PA box. And then: “Uh, sir? We don’t offer the Super Size anymore.” “What do you mean, you don’t offer the Super Size? Is this McDonald’s or not?” The question… Read More ›
That Was A Close Call
Well. Things certainly got a little heated during the evening commute. “I’m gonna kill you, you fat honky bastard!” This was the driver in the car to my right. At least, I think that’s what he said. It was a little… Read More ›
