My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his office and flicked on the light, never noticing that I was standing adjacent to the door with my back to the wall. He made a beeline for his desk and as… Read More ›
Idiots
This New Pope Is Even Lamer Than The Last One
SSDP. Not a week has gone by since the new pope got elected, and he’s already out there using populist sentiment to stir up sympathy for the poor and the weak. Pathetic. Moreover, it’s redundant. After all, there isn’t an… Read More ›
Why Don’t We Change Our Mascot To A Hippie And Call Ourselves The Dope-Smoking Party While We’re At It?
I was in a meeting with two of my underlings at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) this morning when a news alert flashed on my Blackberry. My eyes exploded with shock, and I yanked the phone off my desk to ensure… Read More ›
John Boehner Is Out Of His Merlot-Addled Mind
“Great Nixon’s Ghost!” I barked, staring at the television in disbelief. “Where did they find this useless moron? My teenage niece could do a better job than him!” “What’s that now, guv’nor?” asked my butler Montgomery, arriving with the platter… Read More ›
Paul Ryan’s Latest Budget Is Getting Me All Hot
I decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club with two of my former associates from Luddite, Crapstone & Fuchs, Charles “Chuck” Luddite XV and Leo Dreisdale. Once our orders were placed and our drinks had arrived, the conversation naturally… Read More ›
I Had No Idea That Rand Paul Was Such A Baby
I had just returned to the office after a three-hour, six-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, when I was accosted by my dimwitted VP of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser. He had a wild look in his eye, which always… Read More ›
Once, Twice, Three Times A Loser
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern. Said he wanted my advice on his recent return to… Read More ›
While The Pope’s Away The Mice Will Play
Yes — I’ve outlasted another Pope. For those keeping score at home, that’s 5 for me and 0 for the Popes. What can I say? My evil is strong. Speaking of which, while I’d love to stay and chat… Wait, strike that…. Read More ›
Depression: Mania’s Ugly, Dimwitted, Slovenly Sister
I just got back from a three-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, which in itself is a bit of an oddity. See, when I make a midday trip to that dimly lit slice of heaven, it generally means… Read More ›
I Won’t Lie, It’s Great To Be The One Percent
Carver Consolidated Capital (C3) employs an exact total of 100 people, including me, and once a month I like to treat everyone to lunch. Sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes it’s Mexican, sometimes it’s subs. Today I decided to splurge for steak,… Read More ›
If I Were The Type To Serve Revenge, It Would Be Ice Cold Upon Delivery
The 1970s were a different age, to be sure. A simpler age. A wilder age. A — well, a sexier age. Disco. Skating rinks. Hot pants. Led Zeppelin. And of course, video games. Not the hi-def seizure bombs that keep… Read More ›
