“Montgomery!” I bellowed after returning home from work this afternoon. “Mont-gom-er-y!” Half a second later, my layabout butler emerged from the kitchen. “‘Allo, guv’nor!” he said, smiling broadly. “And how was it at the office today, wot wot?” “Terrible,” I… Read More ›
Idiots
Sorry, I Thought It Was A Different Kind Of Wednesday Altogether
Well, there’s a considerable amount of egg on my face today — and absolutely zero cloth on my ass. The reason? Let’s just say my longstanding devotion to OxyContin hasn’t done any wonders for my hearing. You see, when I… Read More ›
No I Most Certainly Would Not
“Welcome to McDonald’s! Would you like to try our new Fish McBites? Please proceed with your order.” “What?” I said, staring blankly at the drive-thru intercom. “Could you repeat that?” “Repeat what?” “The middle part there — something about fish?”… Read More ›
S. Truett Cathy Is A Seriously Deranged Individual
I had to go into the city on business yesterday — legitimate venture capitalism business, thank you — and decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club. Not to brag, but I’m a legacy member. In fact, my maternal great-grandfather, Tobias… Read More ›
No, I Do Not Have A Problem With My Bowels
I received an email today from a young lad by the name of Billy, out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. Billy wrote: Dear Mr. Carver: I’m a big fan of your blog and keep a picture of you above my bed,… Read More ›
Congratulations To John Boehner
Transcript of phone call placed on January 4, 2013 at 3:47 a.m. ET to the Washington residence of overrated House Speaker John Boehner: [Repeated ringing.] John Boehner: Yeah. [Sound of cigarette being lit followed by muffled coughing.] Talk to me…. Read More ›
Boehner? I Hardly Know Her
Those who know me know there are two things I can’t abide: men who can’t get stuff done, and men who prefer to drink wine. Well, that and women who don’t put out, no matter how much you offer to… Read More ›
I’m Cutting All Of My Workers’ Salaries And Impregnating Their Wives
You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes went up on people making $250k, $400k, $1M,… Read More ›
Not Dead At All, Thank You
Look, I don’t have time to go into all the particulars. In case you didn’t notice, it’s Christmas/New Year’s Week, which means I have a lot of Oxys to snort off the chests of numerous nubile hookers, and blogging is… Read More ›
My Father Is Dead
Oh, hello to you. I don’t believe you’ve had the pleasure. Please, allow me to introduce myself. The name is Oswald Jameson Carver IV. But you? You may call me Kang. Why Kang? Funny you should ask. I know I… Read More ›
Pull The Strings
“Red hots! GET YOUR RED HOTS!!!“ That was the sound of me in action, bringing all my marketing prowess to bear in the name of selling hot dogs, peanuts, sodas, and beer to the literally unwashed masses. No need to… Read More ›
