I’d been waiting around the parking lot of a local McDonald’s for a good fifteen minutes when my black-market prescription-medication procurer Skynyrd Dave finally arrived. He was driving a bright-yellow ‘70s-era Camaro with severe muffler issues, Nazareth’s “Hair of the… Read More ›
“Welcome to McDonald’s! Would you like to try our new Fish McBites? Please proceed with your order.” “What?” I said, staring blankly at the drive-thru intercom. “Could you repeat that?” “Repeat what?” “The middle part there — something about fish?”… Read More ›
Every now and then, life gently cups your balls, blows softly in your ear, and reminds you just how good it can be. And I have a feeling it’ll be doing quite a lot of that over the next few… Read More ›
Goddamn beatniks. Ever since Obama got elected, they are destroying the very fabric of this proud, bloodthirsty nation. And I, for one, won’t stand for it. Take this morning, for example. Suffering from a hangover that I feared might be… Read More ›
“Okay, Mr. Carver?” said the highway patrolman. “I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.” “Show you my testicles?” I said, confused. “What are you doing outside, officer? Come in, come in! I’m no dope-sucking… Read More ›
“…and I’d like it ‘Super Sized,’ please.” Silence from the PA box. And then: “Uh, sir? We don’t offer the Super Size anymore.” “What do you mean, you don’t offer the Super Size? Is this McDonald’s or not?” The question… Read More ›
Listen. Here’s the thing. I don’t ask much of the people who work for me. Show up more or less on time. Don’t take longer lunches than I do. And for christ’s sake, put the teensiest bit of professional care… Read More ›
