Has it finally happened? Has the decades-long, systematic degradation of our public-school systems, coupled with an exponential increase in digital entertainment and designer drugs, plus the replacement of good-paying, benefit-providing blue-collar jobs with part-time flunky positions at Walmart and pizza-delivery… Read More ›
I feel like such a fool. Here I thought, after the blizzard of executive-branch activity since Monday, that today might be a slow news day. My bad; I guess I forgot that President Trump only has one speed: coked out… Read More ›
Oh, hello there. I wasn’t expecting any visitors, so you’ll have to excuse the fact that I’m currently in a state of undress while elderly Vietnamese women slather medicinal lotion on my lower extremities. Keep your mind out of the gutter; it’s… Read More ›
I received a collect call last night from my close, personal friend Hank Williams Jr. Considering that today’s “A to Z April Challenge” topic was required to start with an “H,” his timing could not have been more fortuitous. “Oz?”… Read More ›
Transcript of phone call placed on March 14, 2013 at 3:47 a.m. local time to the Vatican residence of the overrated new Pope, Francis I: [Repeated ringing.] Pope Francis: Hola! Usted está hablando con el Papa. Unidentified Caller: POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE! PF:… Read More ›
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern. Said he wanted my advice on his recent return to… Read More ›
Well, there’s a considerable amount of egg on my face today — and absolutely zero cloth on my ass. The reason? Let’s just say my longstanding devotion to OxyContin hasn’t done any wonders for my hearing. You see, when I… Read More ›
“Montgomery?” I said to my butler shortly after returning from work this afternoon. “Why is there a hirsute Asian lad reading Jughead comic books at the dining room table?” “Wot wot?” Montgomery replied, sticking his head out from the pantry…. Read More ›
Any holiday that invites observers to overindulge in margaritas, Mexican food, and fireworks is okay in my book. As a result, I have no reservations in wishing you a very happy Cinco de Mayo. Additionally, this strikes me as a… Read More ›
Can’t talk long. I’m reporting live from Churchill Downs, where Super Saver just claimed this year’s Kentucky Derby. I didn’t have any money on the winner — never in hell would I bet on a horse with such a lower-class… Read More ›
I’m not sure what to make of this, but a burrito just completed a tour of my body and looked no worse for the wear once it made its escape. I had lunch at my favorite Mexican eatery, El Bolas… Read More ›
