I awoke this morning in a damp, musty basement that reeked of incense, stale sweat, moldy pizza, soiled underpants, cat litter, marijuana, and despair. My head was throbbing, my skin felt like burned ice, and the most horrible hip hop… Read More ›
Mysteries
Y Is For Yacht
“Alright everyone, cover your ears!” I shouted, my voice amplified by a high-powered bullhorn. “This is going to be loud!” I touched the torch to the cannon’s wick and was soon rewarded with a thunderous explosion. The cannonball rocketed toward… Read More ›
W Is For What
I decided to do a little snooping around the office yesterday — you know, see what kind of dirt I could dig up on my employees — and found myself in the main break room shortly after eleven o’clock. No one else… Read More ›
U Is For Ugly
White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
G Is For Golf
“Fore!” I shouted as the wood smacked the ball, blasting it a good 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. I won’t lie to you; it was a perfect shot and all but guaranteed that I’d finish the hole… Read More ›
My Invitation To CPAC Must Have Been Lost In The Mail
I was enjoying my traditional king-sized breakfast and perusing the Journal this morning when I came across a feature on the upcoming Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is set to start tomorrow. What really threw me off is that… Read More ›
Seriously, What Is Wrong With You People?
One of the many benefits to hosting a blog at WordPress is the wealth of free statistical tools. With them, you can see how many visitors and page views you get per day, which pages are visited the most and… Read More ›
I Think Newt Gingrich Has Finally Flipped His Lid
Never mind Gingrich’s recent appeasement tour. No true conservative — by which I mean true American — is listening to his nonsense anyhow, and this bizarre act of verbal self-immolation all but ensures he won’t be mucking up the primary process in… Read More ›
I Think I’ve Been Hacked By The Red Chinese
I suppose I should have been more on my guard what with all the recent reports of cyber-espionage being perpetrated by the Yellow Menace against various American corporations. Nevertheless, I was quite surprised to find evidence of such activity at… Read More ›
No I Most Certainly Would Not
“Welcome to McDonald’s! Would you like to try our new Fish McBites? Please proceed with your order.” “What?” I said, staring blankly at the drive-thru intercom. “Could you repeat that?” “Repeat what?” “The middle part there — something about fish?”… Read More ›
That Was A Hell Of A Bender
Here’s the thing: I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week. I could’ve been drinking tea with the reigning Ayatollah of Iran for all I know. The one thing I do know is that not 10 minutes… Read More ›
