With trembling hands, my butler Montgomery gently handed me the large tan-and-brown jug marked with a black “XXX.” After relieving him of the vessel, I pulled the cork and took a deep sniff of the sweet, sweet moonshine within. “Mmm-mmm,”… Read More ›
White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
I’d been sitting by the phone with naught but a pitcher of Old Fashioneds, a tray of hoagies, and the third season of Downton Abbey for company, waiting on an important call from my close, personal friend Rush Limbaugh. He’d expressed… Read More ›
“Come in,” I said to my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk as he entered my office. “Have a seat. Would you care for a drink? An Old Fashioned, perhaps? Maybe a martini if you prefer something lighter?” Laudermilk waved… Read More ›
I pulled up to the hot dog stand and hopped out of my Escalade, eager to dine on the delicacies offered by the roadside vendor. “Hello there, my good man!” I said, stumbling toward him. “I’m in desperate need of… Read More ›
I was seeing to some correspondence in the study last night when my butler Montgomery arrived with the tray of ribs and pitcher of Old Fashioneds I’d requested. “Ah, perfect timing,” I said. “Place them on the desk here — I… Read More ›
I won’t lie to you — my last-minute sojourn to the majestic watering hole of grand American thought that is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has not gone as planned. First, I discovered that my invitation was never lost… Read More ›
I received a call from failed Republican presidential candidate and former Libtardchusetts governor Mitt Romney earlier today, asking me to meet him in the city for a late lunch at Gramercy Tavern. Said he wanted my advice on his recent return to… Read More ›
“Montgomery!” I bellowed after returning home from work this afternoon. “Mont-gom-er-y!” Half a second later, my layabout butler emerged from the kitchen. “‘Allo, guv’nor!” he said, smiling broadly. “And how was it at the office today, wot wot?” “Terrible,” I… Read More ›
I had to go into the city on business yesterday — legitimate venture capitalism business, thank you — and decided to grab lunch at the Metropolitan Club. Not to brag, but I’m a legacy member. In fact, my maternal great-grandfather, Tobias… Read More ›
“Disgusting. Just disgusting,” I said to no one in particular while perusing the local newspaper after work tonight. “What is, sir?” asked my butler, Montgomery, who was standing nearby with a tray of Old Fashioneds at the ready. “The war… Read More ›
