I received an email today from a young lad by the name of Billy, out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. Billy wrote: Dear Mr. Carver: I’m a big fan of your blog and keep a picture of you above my bed,… Read More ›
Servants
‘Dredd’ Is 2012’s Greatest Non-Porn Film
Sainted Mother of Nixon — my favorite flick of 2012, Dredd, was released on 3-D Blu-ray today. And as soon as my butler finishes whipping up my standard movie snack (consisting of five pounds of bacon, a jar of mayonaisse,… Read More ›
I’m Cutting All Of My Workers’ Salaries And Impregnating Their Wives
You know what? I don’t care that dozens of spineless Republican congressmen betrayed their country by voting for the fiscal cliff deal last night. I really don’t. Because regardless of whether taxes went up on people making $250k, $400k, $1M,… Read More ›
The Social Event Of Two Years
“Montgomery!” I barked into the desktop intercom after reluctantly tearing myself away from the literally endless supply of Internet porn on my computer. When I failed to receive a prompt response from my layabout butler, I barked it again. “Montgomery!”… Read More ›
My Son Is An Idiot
“Montgomery?” I said to my butler shortly after returning from work this afternoon. “Why is there a hirsute Asian lad reading Jughead comic books at the dining room table?” “Wot wot?” Montgomery replied, sticking his head out from the pantry…. Read More ›
Quick Updates
In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re thick in the dog days of summer. Which means it’s a great time of year for me to relax poolside in a Speedo, frolic on my private yacht, and eat enough charred animal flesh… Read More ›
Has The Whole World Gone Insane?
“Disgusting. Just disgusting,” I said to no one in particular while perusing the local newspaper after work tonight. “What is, sir?” asked my butler, Montgomery, who was standing nearby with a tray of Old Fashioneds at the ready. “The war… Read More ›
Pie Is Delicious
So delicious, in fact, that I just ate three of them in one go. All Boston Cream, of course. Anything less is for amateurs. Except for fruit-based pies, which are for hippie amateurs. Anyhow, the point of all this is,… Read More ›
That Was Embarrassing
I just had a bit of an accident. It happened in the pool, where I was high as a kite on OxyContin and Old Fashioneds while frolicking with a half-dozen rented women. Nothing out of the ordinary there; a typical… Read More ›
I May Have Just Killed A Homeless Man
Or maybe a woman? There might have been a child with the person as well. I’m also not entirely sure that he, she, or they are actually homeless. It’s hard to say. Not that it’s my fault. For one thing,… Read More ›
I’m Having A Party And You Aren’t Invited
I don’t have much time for this blogging tomfoolery today; I’m hosting a gala ball this evening, and it will be exclusively attended by people who are wealthier, better-connected, and more glamorous than you. I’m far too discreet to reveal the… Read More ›
