White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
Speedos
My Invitation To CPAC Must Have Been Lost In The Mail
I was enjoying my traditional king-sized breakfast and perusing the Journal this morning when I came across a feature on the upcoming Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is set to start tomorrow. What really threw me off is that… Read More ›
Perhaps All These Oxys Will Cure My Birthday Blues
So it has arrived, my 53rd birthday. As reported yesterday, I’m none too thrilled about this latest milestone. 53. And what do I have to show for it? Sure, I’ve amassed great wealth. But between you and me, I’d estimate… Read More ›
The Social Event Of Two Years
“Montgomery!” I barked into the desktop intercom after reluctantly tearing myself away from the literally endless supply of Internet porn on my computer. When I failed to receive a prompt response from my layabout butler, I barked it again. “Montgomery!”… Read More ›
That Was Embarrassing
I just had a bit of an accident. It happened in the pool, where I was high as a kite on OxyContin and Old Fashioneds while frolicking with a half-dozen rented women. Nothing out of the ordinary there; a typical… Read More ›
Legally Speaking, I’m A Father
Yes, this is really happening. As a result of a recent settlement that enabled me to evade a host of criminal and civil charges stemming from alleged systematic abuse of my former houseboy, Kang, I have agreed to adopt the… Read More ›
They Turned Me Loose
I’m pleased to report that I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a very harrowing weekend at sea. However, my attorneys have asked me to avoid discussing any new criminal charges which may or may not have been filed against… Read More ›
How Sweet It Is
Every now and then, life gently cups your balls, blows softly in your ear, and reminds you just how good it can be. And I have a feeling it’ll be doing quite a lot of that over the next few… Read More ›
I’m Not Wearing Any Pants
It’s true, I’m not. Intrigued yet, ladies? You should be. I’m talking about 350 pounds of love meat poured into a leopard skin speedo, waiting to give you pleasure unlike any you’ve ever imagined. Tell me you’re not getting hot… Read More ›