White noise filled the room; the kind of staticky, dull roar emitted by a television or radio that’s stuck between channels. I briefly wondered about the source, but my sleep-encrusted eyes weren’t quite up to the challenge of any serious… Read More ›
I was enjoying my traditional king-sized breakfast and perusing the Journal this morning when I came across a feature on the upcoming Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is set to start tomorrow. What really threw me off is that… Read More ›
So it has arrived, my 53rd birthday. As reported yesterday, I’m none too thrilled about this latest milestone. 53. And what do I have to show for it? Sure, I’ve amassed great wealth. But between you and me, I’d estimate… Read More ›
“Montgomery!” I barked into the desktop intercom after reluctantly tearing myself away from the literally endless supply of Internet porn on my computer. When I failed to receive a prompt response from my layabout butler, I barked it again. “Montgomery!”… Read More ›
I just had a bit of an accident. It happened in the pool, where I was high as a kite on OxyContin and Old Fashioneds while frolicking with a half-dozen rented women. Nothing out of the ordinary there; a typical… Read More ›
Yes, this is really happening. As a result of a recent settlement that enabled me to evade a host of criminal and civil charges stemming from alleged systematic abuse of my former houseboy, Kang, I have agreed to adopt the… Read More ›
I’m pleased to report that I’m finally back at my palatial estate following a very harrowing weekend at sea. However, my attorneys have asked me to avoid discussing any new criminal charges which may or may not have been filed against… Read More ›
Every now and then, life gently cups your balls, blows softly in your ear, and reminds you just how good it can be. And I have a feeling it’ll be doing quite a lot of that over the next few… Read More ›
It’s true, I’m not. Intrigued yet, ladies? You should be. I’m talking about 350 pounds of love meat poured into a leopard skin speedo, waiting to give you pleasure unlike any you’ve ever imagined. Tell me you’re not getting hot… Read More ›
