Greetings peasants. Yes, today is my 56th birthday. Yes, it’s also this blog’s — and let me note, I’m still not clear on what a blog is — 10th anniversary. But to answer a question I’ve received repeatedly today: No…. Read More ›
Viagra
I Say Bring On The Ebola Plague
Greetings, Proud Americans. Oz here, and though I’m currently entertaining a bushel of women from Pete’s Pussycat Emporium and therefore have very little time to chat — no, scratch that. The fact is, I simply don’t like chatting with you people, regardless… Read More ›
Hot Damn, The 2016 Election Season Is Already Underway
If you’re like me, there’s only one Democrat who instills more blind hatred, disgust, and loathing in you than Chairman Hussein Marx Obama Tse-Tung, and its name is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Wait, strike that. I suppose Obama wins that contest… Read More ›
S Is For STD
The examination room was cold as ice, and I certainly didn’t appreciate being left to wait in my skivvies for such an extended period. In fact, I was about to go flag down a nurse to inquire about the holdup… Read More ›
Add As Many Lasers As You Want, I’m Still Not Using Them
I had just finished breakfast and was skimming the news when an item caught my eye. “Ha!” I said to no one in particular. “Might as well fund next-generation testicle sandpaper while you’re at it, you four-eyed geek!” “Wot wot?”… Read More ›
Stuck Inside Of Maryland With The CPAC Blues Again
I won’t lie to you — my last-minute sojourn to the majestic watering hole of grand American thought that is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has not gone as planned. First, I discovered that my invitation was never lost… Read More ›
Depression: Mania’s Ugly, Dimwitted, Slovenly Sister
I just got back from a three-martini lunch at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, which in itself is a bit of an oddity. See, when I make a midday trip to that dimly lit slice of heaven, it generally means… Read More ›
I May Have Just Killed A Homeless Man
Or maybe a woman? There might have been a child with the person as well. I’m also not entirely sure that he, she, or they are actually homeless. It’s hard to say. Not that it’s my fault. For one thing,… Read More ›
Legally Speaking, I’m A Father
Yes, this is really happening. As a result of a recent settlement that enabled me to evade a host of criminal and civil charges stemming from alleged systematic abuse of my former houseboy, Kang, I have agreed to adopt the… Read More ›
I Need A Maritime Lawyer
I don’t have much time to chat. Coast Guard officers are currently making a mockery of the Fourth Amendment by scouring my yacht, the Donkey Punch, with a fine-toothed comb, and I’ve barricaded myself in my cabin until my attorneys… Read More ›
Something Went Terribly Wrong
Great Scott. My plan from last night appears to have gone awry. At least, the most important part of that plan. Granted, a woman with a satisfied smile is currently snoozing in my emperor-sized bed. However, she is not Heather Graham…. Read More ›
